Sunday, April 29, 2012

This Land is My Land, and Only My Land

Someone I like posted this on Facebook:

I would like to point out that Afghanistan, North Korea, and Iran may have secure borders and may not be in debt (I don't know because I'm from the United States and don't know anything about other countries), but they are certainly not places I'd want to live. Also, I'd like to see how we feel about secure borders after the zombies come and start to gnaw their way across the US. I bet there isn't a one of us who doesn't grab his hatchet or tire iron or whatnot and jump in the biggest truck we can find and head for Mejico. If you have a choice between a) getting your brains sucked out in the tropics with a margarita in hand or b) getting your brains sucked out anywhere else without a margarita in hand, you've hardly a choice at all. 

In case you missed my last post, I do need to, at this point, prevent a scandal and admit to having recently secured the borders of my own yard. Notice how I've cleverly funneled all incoming traffic to a single point, so that it's easier to get a clear shot.

Vicious guard dog on the right, there.

Securing my borders has had no significant effect on the magnitude of my debt.

In other news, I finally got out on that new bike and had to put up with crap scenery like this:

A totally unfenced and defenseless valley ripe for zombie plunder.

I spent about three hours slogging up and down a couple of mountains on that new bike, three hours being exactly as long as I can ride a rigid bike in the mountains with my brain rattling around inside my skull like a metal ball in a can of spray paint, a metaphor made somewhat terribly more apt by the eventual pressurized disgorging of my lunch paint.

Speaking of border crossing, duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh Lanceman!

"I will avenge my parents and I will save Gotham."

Over the years, this man has crossed countless French, Italian, Spanish, German, Swiss, and Belgian borders without slowing down for a passport stamp. Legend has it that someone tried to stop him once, but it's going to take more than a lapel flower that squirts acid.

In closing I would like to say the following things. A) Humans have spent a lot of time categorizing, labeling, and otherwise trying to control a very chaotic existence that is always in transition and that defies our categories and labels. B) There are plenty of illegal aliens who make better Americans than a lot of bona-fide citizens I know. C) Borders aren't going to matter when the zombies come, which reputable sources anticipate happening on December 21st of this year, so I will see you in Margaritaville on the 22nd. 

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