Sunday, March 11, 2012

Sand on a Cracker! It's New Bike Day!

New Bike Day is more fun than peeing your pants in a world where pants peeing is not only socially acceptable but also totally comfortable, hygienic, and good luck.

The single speed mountain bike I've been riding on trails and commuting on during the winter for three years has always been both too big and too black for me, so I finally exchanged it for this smaller, greener Surly Ogre frame. There isn't a reason in the world you should care about this, except that it explains why I'm going to be overusing the word 'ogre.' As in, "I'm going to ogreize that sandwich, yo." Who knows what that means. It probably means I'm going to do something fast, green, and awesome to that sandwich (yo).

You're probably wondering about the components. Though it's tough to see in the picture, yes, that is an XTR plastic bag. Totally pro double butted styrofoam? I think so. Get jealous. Yeah, the bike is so hot I had to find special tubes:

As I said, New Bike Day (secular Christmas) is also Goodbye Old Bike Day. Goodbye Old Bike Day feels kind of like peeing your pants in a world very much like this one. I sold it to someone in California, who is about to have a New Used Bike Day, and I have no idea how that type of days feels. Maybe like peeing in the pool.

These days, we have more ogres coming out of Hollywood than Mordor. We have Shrek. "Ernt aye uh quick-wetted und endearen' ooogar ews lehkable despite meh fharts." And then we have every other ogre. "Aarrrrrraaaarrrarrrrggghh!" If you've been put off by the awkwardness of my prose, it's because I'm typing "Aarrrrrraaaarrrarrrrggghh!" into an online Ogre-English translator, and this blog is the result. Did you know that when an ogre says, "Aarrararrrrrraaaarrhharrarhhhhh!" that he's singing "If I had a club, I would club you in the morning, I would club you in the evening, all over this land," which is part of a folk song by Peter Paul and Glurgg.

Maybe some other day I will write about my fear that as I age I am slowly becoming the latter kind of insufferable ogre, but I won't write about that today because today is New Bike Day, and I only feel like doing things that are acutely un-ogre-like, as in turning up the heavy metal and riding my new bike around indoors, in this ten-by-twelve room at high speeds making motorboat noises with my mouth.

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